In another place, at another time, John Stone wrote:

I just figured out the gospels!
 
 It just hit me!
 
I have never been able to figure out why the four gospels cannot agree on so much as what jesus had for breakfast, or what kind of tie he wore, let alone what his last words were.
 
I just figured it out. The Christian bible is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book!
 
You know how these books work. You read a page or two, and then you have to make a decision about what should happen next. If you choose to enter the cave, for example, you must turn to page 76. If you choose to walk away and do something else, you turn to page 54. And so on. The choices you make decide how the story will end.
 
In the case of the gospels, the ultimate ending of the story is always the same, but the decisions YOU -- the reader -- make, determine:
Whether jesus will be made to carry his cross the entire time or whether some guy named Simon will carry the cross for a while; 
Where and when someone will anoint jesus, and whether it will be on his head or his feet, and with what spices
Whether Judas will take the silver pieces from the priests and buy a field with them, or whether he will return the silver pieces and then hang himself;
Whether the Last Supper will be a Passover Seder or the night BEFORE Passover;
How many days jesus will lie in the tomb;
To whom he will appear afterwards, and in what order;
Who will prevail? Paul or Peter?
And so much more!
 
Now it all makes sense! Christianity is a do-it-yourself religion. Simply believe what you wish to believe, as long as it is stated explicitly in the inerrant bible! And no matter what you wish to believe, it *IS* in the christian bible! It *IS* the Divinely Inspired Word of God!